So yesterday I was doing my Bible Study and the truth of scripture hit me in a very hard way. One of the application questions was...
"Have you ever experienced a "water turning into wine" moment when God's power was made very evident in the life of someone else?"
Tears welled up in my eyes. Pretty regularly I used to witness big miracles! I'm talking huge, "water to wine" moments through my job working with kids with disabilities. Things that Doctors deemed impossible I was watching children achieve! What an honor! These were moments that could only be explained by recognizing the power of God! I'm talking kids once paralyzed, walking...children who were never expected to speak, talking intelligibly...children who were labeled Mentally Retarded displaying a higher order of thinking, problem solving, following directions, telling jokes. I had meaningful conversations with kids who have Autism and watched as they began to understand the correlation of emotions to actions! I loved my job, it was never mundane or routine, I never took these moments for granted. I drew near to these moments, to God and the work He was doing all around me. I pushed my kids hard for these moments because I knew with God all things were possible, and I knew that He had a plan for their lives and I couldn't wait to see what it was! We waited for one child to achieve a goal while another gave us hope with their achievement. These moments were frequent and I felt blessed!
Now I am without the frequency of these moments. I have moved away from my job to Austin and I stay at home with Amelia. This is what I've always wanted and I love it (I would never trade this), but I have felt over these last few months that something is missing in my life, I felt a void. There was something about working I desperately missed. Today I realized it was seeing these miracles, experiencing the work of God. I get to watch Amelia develop and its wonderful, it brings me joy and I cherish it, but I also expect it. What I miss is seeing the unexpected, above and beyond work of God and because of it I began to feel distant from him.
In the first half of John 20:29 Jesus asks "Because you have seen Me, have you believed? Yes, Lord I have! I have seen You!
Then the gut punch...
the second says half Jesus goes on to say, "Blessed are they who did not see, and yet believed."
And then deflate like a balloon and realize that is where I am. I do not see, and I am fighting the anxiety of Satan to have the faith to believe. I'm waiting, and listening and praying for the voice of God. To give me direction in this new season of life. To know His plan for me. For so long, I've been praying for things I want...job, school, house and the last few inches of Amelia off my waist wouldn't be so bad :) (I mean honestly I just want the top half of my waist, you know the part that goes rogue after you have a baby to fit back in my jeans...that's all :)
So now I'm just waiting and it's no fun to do the things you're not good at. I'm not a patient person, it's why I dont like amusement parks. I'm not thrilled to wait 45 minutes for a 1 minute ride. Even if I love that 1 minute of jolting and extreme speed its not enough for me to remember past the agonizing dread of standing in the heat like cattle, in a line that looks like an endless paper clip.
It's like when we went to Disney World with Kyle's family last October, it was doable because we had the "fast pass." You basically make an appointment to ride and you get a ticket that allows you to bypass everyone else and get on quicker. We got to where we only did rides if we had a fast pass. I remember Kyle's little nephew yelling one time while we were in a backed up fast pass line "fast pass! fast pass!! I want a fast pass!!" He understood that the ticket allowed him quick access and was confused with the hold up. We laughed, cause it was funny, but that's me. Crying out, wanting to know what the hold up is. I dont want to wait I want the "fast pass." I dont really even know what I'm waiting for, I'm in the dark and sometimes I admit I wonder about God's plan. Will I like it? Is it better than mine?
I realized how small this seems when I look at people who are also waiting on the Lord. Like my friend Kara, who is faithfully waiting for the Lord to cure the constant migraine she's lived with for 8 years. Or my friend who has been praying for a better job and someone to share her life with. Or my dear friend Rachel whose 8 yr old son, Joel has Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. She is waiting, praying, fund-raising money in hopes to find a CURE that will save (do you understand the power in those words, A CURE TO SAVE) not just her son's life but the lives of the other boys whose families she is constantly ministering to. She is Paul in prison trying to give hope and explain how good our God is to other families feeling persecuted. Blessed is Rachel and Joel who both believe when they can not see.
There are two sides to this analogy.
1. Our minds are feeble as well and can not understand the depths as to which God's all knowing, infinite wisdom can. We can not see the bigger picture like He can. His wisdom transcends all that we know to be relevant, like time. Our lack of ability to understand is what calls us to have faith. Like when Jesus raised Lazarus, 4 days later! Mary and Martha wanted to know where He had been, but we needed a grand miracle and this was how He chose to bring glory God.
2. The second is simple. I fuss like an infant, when I need to be getting ready, preparing myself for what God has for me and realize its worth waiting for.
Thanks for letting me dump my thoughts out into the abyss that is blogging, I thought I might drown in them if they stayed in my head.
Now I am without the frequency of these moments. I have moved away from my job to Austin and I stay at home with Amelia. This is what I've always wanted and I love it (I would never trade this), but I have felt over these last few months that something is missing in my life, I felt a void. There was something about working I desperately missed. Today I realized it was seeing these miracles, experiencing the work of God. I get to watch Amelia develop and its wonderful, it brings me joy and I cherish it, but I also expect it. What I miss is seeing the unexpected, above and beyond work of God and because of it I began to feel distant from him.
In the first half of John 20:29 Jesus asks "Because you have seen Me, have you believed? Yes, Lord I have! I have seen You!
Then the gut punch...
the second says half Jesus goes on to say, "Blessed are they who did not see, and yet believed."
And then deflate like a balloon and realize that is where I am. I do not see, and I am fighting the anxiety of Satan to have the faith to believe. I'm waiting, and listening and praying for the voice of God. To give me direction in this new season of life. To know His plan for me. For so long, I've been praying for things I want...job, school, house and the last few inches of Amelia off my waist wouldn't be so bad :) (I mean honestly I just want the top half of my waist, you know the part that goes rogue after you have a baby to fit back in my jeans...that's all :)
So now I'm just waiting and it's no fun to do the things you're not good at. I'm not a patient person, it's why I dont like amusement parks. I'm not thrilled to wait 45 minutes for a 1 minute ride. Even if I love that 1 minute of jolting and extreme speed its not enough for me to remember past the agonizing dread of standing in the heat like cattle, in a line that looks like an endless paper clip.
It's like when we went to Disney World with Kyle's family last October, it was doable because we had the "fast pass." You basically make an appointment to ride and you get a ticket that allows you to bypass everyone else and get on quicker. We got to where we only did rides if we had a fast pass. I remember Kyle's little nephew yelling one time while we were in a backed up fast pass line "fast pass! fast pass!! I want a fast pass!!" He understood that the ticket allowed him quick access and was confused with the hold up. We laughed, cause it was funny, but that's me. Crying out, wanting to know what the hold up is. I dont want to wait I want the "fast pass." I dont really even know what I'm waiting for, I'm in the dark and sometimes I admit I wonder about God's plan. Will I like it? Is it better than mine?
I realized how small this seems when I look at people who are also waiting on the Lord. Like my friend Kara, who is faithfully waiting for the Lord to cure the constant migraine she's lived with for 8 years. Or my friend who has been praying for a better job and someone to share her life with. Or my dear friend Rachel whose 8 yr old son, Joel has Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. She is waiting, praying, fund-raising money in hopes to find a CURE that will save (do you understand the power in those words, A CURE TO SAVE) not just her son's life but the lives of the other boys whose families she is constantly ministering to. She is Paul in prison trying to give hope and explain how good our God is to other families feeling persecuted. Blessed is Rachel and Joel who both believe when they can not see.
There are two sides to this analogy.
1. Our minds are feeble as well and can not understand the depths as to which God's all knowing, infinite wisdom can. We can not see the bigger picture like He can. His wisdom transcends all that we know to be relevant, like time. Our lack of ability to understand is what calls us to have faith. Like when Jesus raised Lazarus, 4 days later! Mary and Martha wanted to know where He had been, but we needed a grand miracle and this was how He chose to bring glory God.
2. The second is simple. I fuss like an infant, when I need to be getting ready, preparing myself for what God has for me and realize its worth waiting for.
Thanks for letting me dump my thoughts out into the abyss that is blogging, I thought I might drown in them if they stayed in my head.
3 comments:
Morgan, thank you so much for your post. What an awesome post. I just read October 11th in My Utmost for His Highest (Oswald Chamber's devotional) and he talked about the silent moments in our lives - that is when God has truly blessed you with coming revelation. There is no need for an answer to prayer because that time in patience is time where God reveals Himself to us. Very profound concept for me, and one that I relished like that verse in John that knocked you in the gut. God is so near to us that when we realize that absent of the events, our relationship with Him just catapults forward.
Looks like you and Kyle are loving life still. Keep in touch. I love hearing from you.
Matt
Wow Morgan I am thankful that your shared your thoughts. They brought me to tears and I was blessed by them. It was a great reminder.
that was beautiful!! i am so often an infant and i am so impatient with God and His plans. but it is so true, it is just above and beyond what we can imagine and we all need to be more patient. love you and your curiosity and willingness to seek God with your whole life and heart. even when things are hard. miss you!!
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